Not taking this lark seriously enough, taking the library even less seriously though to be fair. Im tired, my feet are wet and the days dont end, just start again. I put a sticky label with the word death written on it for a revision aid, I guess its apt I basically study death under the guise of the past.
Im so bored of this, of you of her of everything, im no longer feeling sorry for myself Im just pretty livid. The coffee was good, I like the bitterness, hasnt woken me up yet, immune to caffiene apparently- thats mothers fault easily.
Securitising is apparently a speech act, you say it and you make it so, I wish this was a speech act, I wish I had that much control.
Wednesday, 13 May 2009
Tuesday, 12 May 2009
My body is a cage.
In actual fact its not, my mind is. Neurotic I have always been, but the recent actions caused by said neurosis are ridiculous.
I have lost the ability to form the word hello, not just vocally but the muscles in my face wont even tense into a half smile. Logically this is flawed, so flawed in fact its wrecking something that i think could be pretty fucking amazing if only I let go.
This isnt the first time either, and thats the problem, my constantly overworked mind, lack of self worth and little social understanding results in awkwardness few could possibly comprehend, I thought this time I could get over it do whats best for my state of mind, but I think its gone too far now, rectifying this situation would take alot of guts I clearly dont possess, so this will pass me by, and at 20 if these metaphorical ships keep sailing away as I enter further and further into adulthood and deeper into a unstable psychological state of mind im really beginning to doubt I will ever be aboard one, and if so not for very long.
My father has deep lines on his face, he frowns all the time, even at the happiest moments in his life his brow is embedded with marks of stress and anger, and im going exactly the same way, lucky for him someone understood, understood so much they vowed to stay by him till the day the day, I however probably wont be so lucky.
If any of my friends tell me to grow a pair a may actually try just to fuck them off.
But for now I will just let oppurtunity pass me by, and listen to arcade fire for the rest of this dismal afternoon.
I have lost the ability to form the word hello, not just vocally but the muscles in my face wont even tense into a half smile. Logically this is flawed, so flawed in fact its wrecking something that i think could be pretty fucking amazing if only I let go.
This isnt the first time either, and thats the problem, my constantly overworked mind, lack of self worth and little social understanding results in awkwardness few could possibly comprehend, I thought this time I could get over it do whats best for my state of mind, but I think its gone too far now, rectifying this situation would take alot of guts I clearly dont possess, so this will pass me by, and at 20 if these metaphorical ships keep sailing away as I enter further and further into adulthood and deeper into a unstable psychological state of mind im really beginning to doubt I will ever be aboard one, and if so not for very long.
My father has deep lines on his face, he frowns all the time, even at the happiest moments in his life his brow is embedded with marks of stress and anger, and im going exactly the same way, lucky for him someone understood, understood so much they vowed to stay by him till the day the day, I however probably wont be so lucky.
If any of my friends tell me to grow a pair a may actually try just to fuck them off.
But for now I will just let oppurtunity pass me by, and listen to arcade fire for the rest of this dismal afternoon.
Friday, 8 May 2009
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